Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Motherhood


I've officially been a stay at home mom to Jackson, age 2, for a year now. I say it all the time, but my God how time does fly! I have to wonder if I'm doing the best things for him. Am I reading to him enough, playing enough, dancing enough, talking enough...well, that one I know I'm hitting 'cause I can't get him to shut his yap sometimes and I know it's because I never shut mine! But you know when you are working and you have a yearly review with your boss. S/he lays out all the areas you have excelled in over the past year, and all the areas that need improvement. You get a grade or a ranking, then you get a raise. It's awesome. I'm learning it doesn't work that way in mommyhood . First, there are no grades or ranks. You are just "mom." No one's telling you where you excel or where you stink. No one's giving you a big fat raise, or telling you this year management is cutting back so raises will be practically non-existent. You just have to sort of trust that what you are doing is right, and hope your child doesn't turn out totally messed up. Oh, don't get me wrong, Shawn praises me all the time, and tells me I'm a great mom. And he does let me splurge with his -- ok honey, our -- money, on occasion. But what's he going to say, that I suck and should be replaced with my assistant who will get paid twice what I do? ha ha. But seriously, he gives me a lot of affirmation. And I appreciate it. I just think sometimes it's hard to know if I'm doing this right. I wish Jackson could say "hey mom, here's the areas you are good at - dancing to 80's pop music, reading in funny voices, and playing trains. The areas you need improvement include - singing (you're off key most of the time mom), snacks (more cupcakes, less fruit!), and playing at the park (you could come on that high slide with me if you really wanted to!!)." But I guess the only way I get get my affirmation that I'm doing this mom thing half-way right is by the run-by hugs he gives me on the playground, the high-fives after a good game of hide and seek, and the sweet nuzzles I get while reading to him before bedtime. Hmmm...now that I think about it, that sounds better to me than any old raise would!

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