Thursday, September 21, 2006

Caelitus

I have a knack for remembering dates. It comes from years of being a journal writer that dates get seared into my memory. Most of the time that is a positive - I always remember Shawn's birthday, the anniversary of our first date and our wedding, the day we found out we were pregnant with Jackson and the day he was due, and of course now the day we are due with our 2nd son - 38 more days to go! But today I remembered a date that sort of came upon me unawares. I woke up sullen and couldn't figure out why, then as I peered at the calendar I realized it. Today was my due date for the baby I miscarried over 3 years ago. Maybe it's silly to remember that when I have a precocious little two year old running around, and another one on the way. But it doesn't seem fair not to honor that baby as well - however brief that life was.

We saw a tiny heartbeat at 7 weeks. 3 weeks later my first baby left my life. But in actuality that angel will live on in my two beautiful boys. I am honored that baby chose me, however briefly, to be his carrier and mother. And I am honored that with his passing came my amazing son Jackson, and soon to be here 2nd son, Holden.

I would have a three year old... I still get very much overwhelmed by what "could have been" but I truly can't even imagine my life without my precious two year old - what a gift. Jackson - he is the greatest gift my lost baby gave to me. I can only imagine that child would have had Jackson's same sparkly blue eyes, toe-head blond hair, and witty personality. So maybe, just maybe, remembering those dates isn't so bad afterall. It reminds me how blessed we are and how far we've come.

Caelitus.

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