Friday, February 23, 2007

I suck

I pondered over what to title this post. On the one hand I always try and keep this blog kind of clean and upbeat. One day I'd like to print this book out for my boys since I really have been slack in keeping a baby book for either of them. But on the other hand, I have to keep it honest - right? So... I suck.

I just cannot catch a break lately. Seriously. They should probably take my kiddos away from me now and save us all the trouble. We went to the library today -the first time I've ventured out alone with the boys in a long time, except for playgroup. It's just a hassle having them both out and I get very stressed? Inevitably one is crying or throwing a fit, and sometimes both. I had the sit-and-stand stroller (which I love) and both kids were in it and we were preparing to leave. I had to check the books out. Holden was getting very fussy because he missed his mid-morning nap. Jackson wanted to walk so I let him out of the stroller and told him to stay by me. I think I'm giving him too much independence lately, as proven by this post and the one earlier this week. I bent down to hush and soothe Holden and looked up to find Jackson missing. I frantically ran up and down the book isles looking for him, as I had literally turned my head for less than 3 seconds. Then I look towards the door and he is being escorted back inside by another mom. My heart lurched. They are automatic doors and he managed to get outside, which leads directly to a street! I wanted to sob right there. My heart was pounding, I was sweating, and of course I looked like (and was) the crappiest mother ever. When I got to my car I called Shawn shaking and crying. I had to hang up, it was all too much. Then I realized - as I was driving from the library, that Holden wasn't strapped into his carrier. I stopped and strapped him in and then had a quiet cry, collected myself, and drove home. This has just not been my month.

We all came home and went for a walk to blow off steam. Then I put Holden down and Jackson and I had a picnic in the living room. Then he went off to nap. They are of course both napping now. As was I for about 5 minutes, then Holden woke up crying, and then immediately went back to sleep. I feel like the gods are against me. I couldn’t go back to sleep. They’ve been asleep for 2 more hours now. That would have been a really good nap.

I think I’m losing it. Or something. Maybe I’m just tired. Or stressed. Or anxious. But I'm feeling beyond low lately. I can't tell if my feelings are delayed or masked post partum issues, or just uber-stress and exhaustion. I think the latter. Ever since Holden was in the hospital he's slept very poorly. So we are all very tired in our house. I just called Spavia and booked a facial and body scrub in two weekends. I have a gift card from my mother in law that I need to use. And by "need" I truly mean NEED! I have got to find a way to bring some calm back to our world. Good Lord! Someone shoot me now. I'm not feeling fit to be mother to these two precious beings.

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