Tuesday, December 18, 2007


Last night Shawn and I got into one of those deep discussions about life that can take up an evening. It started off talking about our future and ended talking about my present. My present being my life as a stay at home mother. The minute I found out I was pregnant with Jackson I knew going back to work was going to be hard. I wanted so badly to be home to raise my children. But it just wasn't something we could manage at that time. So I went back to work when he was 4 months of age and cried and whined about it for 7 long months. Finally we of course made our decision to move to Colorado. I got my dream of becoming a stay at home mom, and I kissed my marketing career good-bye. .

Except somewhere in the last few years I think I've lost my way a bit. As Shawn I talked through the evening I realized I'm just worn out being home with my two boys every day. I'm not unhappy, I just found I wasn't feeling the urgency and passion I used to feel being home. As I dragged myself up the stairs and into bed, exhausted as usual, I lie there thinking about everything, and what it means to be a full time mom. And what I want from this experience. Because I know how fortunate I am to be able to be home. And I know that this is a real job. It's not all fun and games. It is hard work - even if sometimes the outside world doesn't see it that way. No one touts a stay at home mom on the Fortune 500 (ah, because we don't make a salary!) But it is exhausting being "on" 24/7, 365. I mean, when I was working at least I got to pee in peace! But what I realize is that I've sort of lost my way a bit. I sort of lost the passion I had when I first started this journey. I want to feel that way again. So I made the decision last night, lying there in bed, to rededicate myself to my job. My job as a mother. All the good. All the bad. I want to be there for my children during these years - to be really present in their lives. Because before I know it they are going to be out of my home and off into their own world, doing their own thing, without much of a backwards glance.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty renewed. And that was at 6AM when Holden let out his first cry. I made coffee. I snuggled my baby. I bantered with my husband. I made homemade pancakes. I tickled and hugged my first born. All before 7:30AM. The day progressed swimmingly from there. I committed to playing cars and trucks -- even though, I admit, at times it bores me to tears to play cars and trucks over and over and over again. But it was actually fun and we had a good time. I did a craft with Jackson while Holden snoozed. Then I took the boys to lunch at Chiptole and we had a great time on our date. We stopped in at Michael's to look at their Santa villages - Jackson loves them. We also picked up a Gingerbread house to assemble. On the way home, on a whim, we stopped at a park we'd never been to and the boys played on the swings. The day was perfect. As Holden enjoyed a long afternoon nap, Jackson and I put together the Gingerbread house and decorated it. It was a blast. We talked and laughed and both enjoyed each other's company. And the whining and fussing seemed minimized as well. I did a few loads of laundry in between activities and of course cleaned and did dishes and all the other mundane household chores -- but they seemed less bothersome for some reason. We finished off the evening by reading books to the boys snuggled up in Jackson's room. It was, all in all, an incredibly fulfilling day. I felt renewed and rededicated to my job. And I was reminded, over and over again today on the smiling faces of my boys, why I wanted to be a stay at home mom in the first place.

Making our Gingerbread House

Reading books before bed

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