Monday, February 26, 2007

Hands

Today I caught my boys holding hands. We were sitting on the couch. Holden was a little sleepy because he got his 4 month shots today (poor baby!!). I wasn't feeling very well so I gave Jackson some mellow time and had "The Little Einsteins" going on the tube. Holden was in my lap; Jackson was snuggled up next to me (a rarity in its own right). I looked down and saw Holden's chubby little hand wrapped around Jackson's slender little fingers. They were also giving each other little side-smiles and coos. It's safe to say it made me weepy. All the rough days we've had since Holden's illness sort of melted away in that little, tiny moment. It was precious. And much needed. It reminded me of all the good times ahead of us. And how much these two boys are going to depend on one another. And how very much I am blessed that I was chosen to be their mommy.

Friday, February 23, 2007

I suck

I pondered over what to title this post. On the one hand I always try and keep this blog kind of clean and upbeat. One day I'd like to print this book out for my boys since I really have been slack in keeping a baby book for either of them. But on the other hand, I have to keep it honest - right? So... I suck.

I just cannot catch a break lately. Seriously. They should probably take my kiddos away from me now and save us all the trouble. We went to the library today -the first time I've ventured out alone with the boys in a long time, except for playgroup. It's just a hassle having them both out and I get very stressed? Inevitably one is crying or throwing a fit, and sometimes both. I had the sit-and-stand stroller (which I love) and both kids were in it and we were preparing to leave. I had to check the books out. Holden was getting very fussy because he missed his mid-morning nap. Jackson wanted to walk so I let him out of the stroller and told him to stay by me. I think I'm giving him too much independence lately, as proven by this post and the one earlier this week. I bent down to hush and soothe Holden and looked up to find Jackson missing. I frantically ran up and down the book isles looking for him, as I had literally turned my head for less than 3 seconds. Then I look towards the door and he is being escorted back inside by another mom. My heart lurched. They are automatic doors and he managed to get outside, which leads directly to a street! I wanted to sob right there. My heart was pounding, I was sweating, and of course I looked like (and was) the crappiest mother ever. When I got to my car I called Shawn shaking and crying. I had to hang up, it was all too much. Then I realized - as I was driving from the library, that Holden wasn't strapped into his carrier. I stopped and strapped him in and then had a quiet cry, collected myself, and drove home. This has just not been my month.

We all came home and went for a walk to blow off steam. Then I put Holden down and Jackson and I had a picnic in the living room. Then he went off to nap. They are of course both napping now. As was I for about 5 minutes, then Holden woke up crying, and then immediately went back to sleep. I feel like the gods are against me. I couldn’t go back to sleep. They’ve been asleep for 2 more hours now. That would have been a really good nap.

I think I’m losing it. Or something. Maybe I’m just tired. Or stressed. Or anxious. But I'm feeling beyond low lately. I can't tell if my feelings are delayed or masked post partum issues, or just uber-stress and exhaustion. I think the latter. Ever since Holden was in the hospital he's slept very poorly. So we are all very tired in our house. I just called Spavia and booked a facial and body scrub in two weekends. I have a gift card from my mother in law that I need to use. And by "need" I truly mean NEED! I have got to find a way to bring some calm back to our world. Good Lord! Someone shoot me now. I'm not feeling fit to be mother to these two precious beings.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

An Apology to Kimi

Kimi is my little sister. Little. Ha! She's 30 years old, married for almost 2 years, has a 14 year old step-daughter, and is a very accomplished teacher. She's also currently getting her Masters and studying to pass the exam that will enable her to teach special education next year. She also is raising a very handsome houndog named Bubba. I admire her greatly. (Mind you, I greatly admire both my sisters, but this is about Kimi...) So my "little" sister called me yesterday to check in. It has been a long time since we chatted, and I was so glad she called. But I owe her an apology. She must think I live in a crazy house. Just as she phoned I was putting Holden down for a nap because he was c-r-a-n-k-y beyond compare. He was crying but I left him to sort of fuss through it. Jackson had just woken up from his nap and was also c-r-a-n-k-y beyond compare. He was whining about something indecipherable. I also was trying to make dinner - Rachel Ray's Homemade Mac-n-Cheese (which rocks, by the way). All this was going on just when Kimi called. But I really wanted to talk to her so I thought "oh, it will all calm down in a few moments, this is just the 'witching hour' of our day." So I answered the phone and we started chatting. Holden settled into his nap, thankfully, and Jackson was appeased with the "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom!" movie upstairs. My noodles were happily boiling. We got about 4 minutes into the conversation when I realized I put too much milk into my bechamel sauce. Shit! I said out loud into the phone. Oh, woops, I'm sorry. That isn't the most polite thing to say on the phone. Kimi forgave me. I then began to complain to her about the stupid oxygen vendor that came to pick up the generator that morning, unannounced. I had to run across the street from the park to let him into the house. I actually left Jackson playing at the park with some wonderful ladies who I vaguely know from the neighborhood. They offered to keep an eye on him while I ran back with the baby in my arms. Anyway, I complained to Kimi about that. I complained about the lack of sleep we are currently experiencing. I complained about the dirty snow. I complained about.... well, everything. In exchange my sister told me the crickets she feeds her frog escaped and she was afraid to sleep because they were in her house somewhere! I needed that laugh. Then suddenly I heard Jackson screaming upstairs and I ran by leaps and bounds to his room. Upon seeing me he burst into tears. I basically yelled to Kimi I'd have to call her back, threw the phone down and scooped Jackson into my arms. Turns out he was just feeling lonely and needed his mommy. Then Holden woke up. Then both kids were crying. Then Shawn called to tell me he was on his way home. Then the Mac-N-Cheese sauce burned. Nice. And all the while I'm sure my little sister was staring at her phone thinking how out of control her big sister's household is!

I promise Kimi, my life isn't as insane and crazy and out of control as it sounds. I promise! Well, maybe just a little.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Raising boys II: or Maybe I should have experienced today before I got all mushy about my first born yesterday...

I was upstairs nursing Holden this morning. He is at an age where he gets very distracted while he's eating, so I have to nurse him in his darkened room. Jackson was downstairs but I could hear him so I knew everything was OK. I could hear Jackson running back and forth from the kitchen, through the dining room, and into the family room - it's all one big long room. I kept hearing him say "Mommy I need some water!" over and over. But I couldn't interrupt the baby or I'd never get back on track. I knew there were sippy cups scattered all throughout the house, so he'd find one eventually. He then yelled up to me could he have water in his big boy cup. We're trying to get him off the sippy cup and onto real cups, so he had drunk milk in a real cup this morning, and it was sitting empty on the kitchen table. Well, no harm letting him fill it up at the fridge, right? "SURE!" I yelled, just so he wouldn't come in and disturb us.

I finish up with Holden, put him down for a nap, and come down stairs... just in time to see Jackson in the family room standing over our ottoman saying "I'm pouring water on the red car!" Oh my God! He was dumping water on my carpet and furniture!!!! There was a trail of water, tons of it, leading from the fridge water dispenser, through our dining area, and into the family room. The tile in the kitchen and dining room didn't bother me. It was the water soaking into my carpet and furniture that lit a fire under my ass. But I actually remained very calm. I surprised myself (and Shawn when I called and told him) how calm I remained. I wasn't sure if I should even be mad since we never told him specifically not to do something like that. I was also in shock, laughing just a little bit, and not sure how to handle it!

I told him we do NOT dump water on furniture or carpets, EVER, and then made him help me clean up the floors. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! He actually helped clean up very nicely, so maybe it was good I didn't lose it on him. But its safe to say that there's a reason I turn on Playhouse Disney in our room (just across the hall from Holden's room) when I nurse. My eldest is not yet to be trusted on his own. And the fridge water dispenser should always be locked.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Raising boys

I never imagined myself raising a boy, much less two. I've mentioned before I come from a family of all women - my boys are the first in 2 generations in my immediate family. It's shocking to me sometimes when I envision our future- mainly because I can't. I have no idea what the future holds for us. I'm used to a lot of female hormones, drama, hour-long primp sessions, embarrassing "female" situations, etc. I do not know about this boy thing.

Currently I'm a bit lost in the "play" world of boys. Jackson adores trains, cars, buses, etc. And he wants to "play trains!" all day every day. I feel bad saying this, but oh my gosh playing this much trains is starting to make me go insane!! They just go around the track. Period. There's no plot. No dressing up or brushing hair. No matching shoes and purses. Nothing I can really relate to. Thomas. Percy. Jack. They all have names - just like Barbie, Skipper, Ken - but their story lines are indecipherable. I don't think they have one. I think it's just like I said, trains going around a track all day every day non-stop. Sometimes we vary it and play with Scoop, Muck and Dizzie. (Bob the Builder) But it's still pretty much the same thing.

I see a lot of sports in our future, too. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm clueless when it comes to Major League Anything. I enjoy a live baseball game once or twice a year - but that's for the hot dogs. Football is bothersome to me. Soccer is alright, but again, I'm just not really an athlete. And if skateboarding or BMX-ing (like their Daddy) is in my future, oh Lord, help me. I'm not sure how this is all going to go down! I'm not sure how I'll be able to hold it all together any (and every) time either of them gets hurt doing their thing. I have to pray they are as sturdy as Shawn was and escape fairly uninjured. Otherwise I'm signing them up for a knitting class and calling it good.

But I also know this - something I've learned from all the train playing... I adore watching my boys play. I laugh at the silly things Jackson says, or am amazed by where his imagination goes. I love hearing him laugh out loud (even when it wakes his brother up). I love seeing him smile at his trains or throw a ball with such concentration. Even Holden's getting into the swing of things, batting at the little balls that hang from his bouncy seat, cracking himself up. Balls. Trains. Planes. Cars. Injuries. They are all a part of my future of raising boys. But so are those amazing smiles. And those laughs that fill me with such love and joy.

Well, I'll take that over Barbie any day of the week.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My Valentines




I love these boys more than life itself



Monday, February 12, 2007

Big day

Today was a big day in our house. I woke up early...well, OK, Jackson and Holden woke us up early. Hopped in the shower. Fed the baby. I was in the car by 8am. Mom watched the boys. I raced to Perry street, turned into the non-decrepit office park...and waited. I drummed my fingers. Drank my coffee. Looked at the clock. An hour to go. I was the first one there. I flipped through a magazine. A sign went up. Then a stack of applications. I jumped out of the car and grabbed the first one. I was still the only one waiting, so not sure my hurry. I filled it out. Wrote a check. Anxious. The sign said "Returning at 9:10." I still had 30 minutes to wait. Continued to wait with nervous anticipation. Other cars started to show up. I was getting more nervous. Should I wait at the door instead of my car? Should I hold my first place standing in line? I didn't want to look like an idiot - there weren't that many cars. But around 9:00 a slow stream of cars started to fill in and I knew I needed to act fast. This was important! I didn't get there first to give my place away to someone more assertive than I! Suddenly another note went up on the door "Accepting Applications at 9:00AM." My clock said 9:03. I leaped out of my car like a rocket, the first one to the door. Safe! My application was in. Ms.Tammy glanced at my selections. "Oh," she said, with a generous smile "I can tell you now you got the time and day you want." "Ahhhh! Thank you!" I exclaimed. "Thank you!" I pretty much flew to my car, beyond excited -- we'd "made it."

My. Son. Is. Officially. Registered for preschool.

I can just imagine what college registration is going to be like. Shew!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Fresh air at last

Shh....Listen....hear that? That's the sound of my son inhaling fresh, room air at last!! WOO-HOO! I just got the ok to take Holden completely off the oxygen!!!!!!!! We had a great night last night, his oxygen levels stayed in the 90's most of the night. We checked on him a lot, but he only woke 2X to nurse (he didn't even wake when we were attaching the machine to his foot!). We had recently got him to waking to nurse only once a night, so we're backtracking a little, but after the past 2 weeks we'll take the 2X waking any day. I'm such a happy mama today, and he is SO much happier w/o the damn tubes in his nose. He's been smiling all day. I even got a nap in! I pray we are all on the road to health again. What a scary week. But I'm soooooo happy he's off the O2 for good!!! Ahhhh, fresh air at last!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

mispellings

This blog will have a ton of mispellings because we are all very tired in this house and I'm too lazy to check the smeppling. Our poor boy. Last Wednesady he wasn't getting any better so I took him to the ER. I'm so lgad I did. He had rsv and they admitted him immediately. Imagine your 14 week old with an ozxygen mask and an IV strapped to his arm. I cried a lot. So did he. We were there until Saturday. I loved the nurses - well most of them, except the one that flashed a flashlight in his eyes at 5am after I'd just put him back to sleep. I wanted to shove that flashlight down her throat. But most of the nurses were amazing. And apparently fighting ove rwho got our room 'cause our kiddo is a cute little peanut. Anyway. He is such a fighter. We're home now, still on oxygen. He hates the tubing and so do we. None of us are sleeping. Literally, Shawn and I slept 2 hours total last night. if Holden wasn't awak Jackson was. Ooops, he's up, I gotta run. more latr. Poor baby. Poor baby...

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Holden

Holden has RSV and has been in the hospital (which means I've been in the hospital). Our poor baby boy. He went in Wednesday and we came home Saturday. He's still on oxygen, but improving. We are all exhausted. He's not sleeping well. Neither are we. Too tired to write...