Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Identity Crisis

I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. I wake up each day knowing exactly what is going to happen - and I'm not so sure that is a good thing. I am feeling a big time itch these days. To head back into the work world. I miss it. Shhhh...did I just say that, out loud? Yes. All I ever wanted was to be home with my boys, and here I am, living the dream, and I am yearning for something more. Is it boredom? Maybe. A little. Oh I have plenty to do. Plenty. But some days I am not up for another load of laundry. Another game of Candy Land. One more time unloading the never ending dishwasher load. My brain calculating the last time my toddler went pee on the potty. The last time perhaps I went pee on the potty. Meal planning. Sewing up knees of busted out jeans. Grocery shopping. Craft time. Star Wars. Putting on new rolls of toilet paper. Paper towels. Art paper. Planning activities. Paying for activities. Budgeting for activities. Putting shoes in their proper places. Wiping out the sink. Wiping bums. Wiping out at the end of the day from exhaustion. Is this boredom? Or is it something else? I look at this list and know how fortunate I am. I know how lucky I am to see my boys, be with my boys, every day, all day long. I take them everywhere, and I treasure the small moments just as much as the big moments. 'Cause in a blink it is going to be over. They'll be bigger, on their own, and I'll long for the days of laundry, dishes, glue sticks, play dates, car pools, soccer practice, swimming lessons, healthy meals, happy meals, school activities, messy sinks and tubs, ear wax, finger nails, bottoms, and yes, boredom...or so I call it. Maybe it isn't boredom at all. Maybe this is life. Maybe it is the pressure of doing what I'm supposed to be doing versus what I want to be doing. And honestly, this, the right here and now, is what I want to be doing. I think.


ECHeasley said...

Amy - if you could wake up this morning and do anything you wanted...what would that be?

Unless it envolves sitting on a beach soaking up rays you may discover you are doing exactly what you "want".

I think it's just lifes way of keeping us moving. If we've already achieved everything we wanted and didn't have something to work toward what would be the purpose of getting out of bed each morning?

Get movin girl! There are dreams to be made!

Clover said...

Girl, I have been feeling like that too. It's a little like a much stickier and louder version of Groundhog Day, the movie.

I keep reminding myself that if I was working I'd still be doing all that other stuff too...

Maybe it's time for your youngest to be in a preschol program a couple mornings a week? I know that is a big budget issue. Which is why mine isn't...argh. But if you can swing it, maybe it would give you an hour or two every week to do something indulgent. Like go to a coffee shop alone. Or, you know, PEE ALONE. Ahh. Bliss.


Tales from the Crib said...

He'll start preschool in the fall, 2 days a week. We will both look forward to that for sure! And you are right, Clover, if I were working outside of the house (beyond the occasional photoshoot that I currently do) then I'd still be doing all of the above... it is definitely a grass is greener time for me.

And honestly, what I want to do is take pictures. I just have to get my name out there more. That's my dream Liz, I just gotta make it happen!


Pikette said...

I'm with you! Feeling the same way today......I don't think there is anything wrong with a little reflection about what it was like to have more than two minutes to yourself without sticky fingers, stinky bums, or ugh, Laundry! I think it probably helps stimulate creativity to be stuck in the doldrums!:) We need to schedule a time to get together.....AGAIN!:) Love you. Lisa P

CharleyJax said...

Amy, I think it's the up and down of the "part-time" work. There are weeks/ months when you're so busy you can't breathe, but then when you're not that busy... and you don't have an excuse for that folded laundry STILL being in the basket a week later... it's hard.
And I think it's this age-- at least for the trips. ;-) They're so... maddening. Hilarious, fun, totally unpredictable and... maddening. =)
I really do enjoy when I go to work. I used to feel bad saying that, but the truth is, I do enjoy being home, too. Sometimes. Just like I dread being at work sometimes-- if my co-workers are in a bad mood, or I have a nasty student in a class. And some days, with three-year-olds, they're crabby co-workers and nasty students (AND MORE!) all at the same time.
I hope you find something that helps break the days. Spring will be here one day soon, and I think that will help, too!!!

Tales from the Crib said...

WOW! Love the responses I'm getting, mostly knowing I'm not alone in this feeling. I guess we are all in it in one way or another. And I see a mixed presence here in working full time, part time, or being at home full time...we all have different paths yet the feelings are so similar. Thank you for sharing your hearts - xox

Yes Lisa, I TOTALLY owe you a call! miss you xox

jimbroome said...

I LOVE staying at home
Love, OP

Tales from the Crib said...

Oh Dad!!!!!!