Tonight Jackson and I fought. This isn't something new. We have fought since birth, really, in some way or another. Fighting sleep. Fighting breastfeeding. Fighting going to bed, staying in bed, jumping on the bed. We have fought big and we have fought small. It's words. Arguments. Heated discussions. Talking back. Sass mouthing. Refusing to cooperate. He has taken to calling me "Weirdo!" when he's angry -the only words he can seem to summon that will strike at my core. I tell him he has no respect. I become angrier, he pounds the wall, I storm off. Mature? no. And I'm talking about me. We are too much alike, truth be told. I can be just as stubborn as he is. He can be just as dramatic as I am. His eyes flame with frustration and so do mine. I tell him "you are reading alone tonight!" because it is all I can flounder to come up with as a form of consequence. He cries and yells louder. I fell on the verge of tears, my frustration at a boiling point. We both go off to our separate corners to cool down, take deep breaths, and remember what's at heart. Our love for each other. He takes to his book and I finish up some work. Still a rule follower at heart, he yells down to me at 8:15 that he's going to bed. I yell up to him goodnight. Our anger is forgotten. I head upstairs to kiss and hug. We nuzzle and hug and I tell him I'm sorry we fought. He says the same. I tell him I love him so much. He says the same. I tell him he has to respect me, that he can't call me names or be ugly. He nods his head - he knows this. He's a good kid...no, a great kid. Truly. I tell him I know it isn't easy being 7-1/2. He agrees. I tell him sometimes it isn't easy being 37-1/2 either. He agrees. I tell him no matter how much we may argue I'll always be his mama. I'll always love him. And I'll always kiss him good night. He agrees. Our hearts are mended.
It is never easy. Parenting is hard. I often wonder how people who are younger do it. Or people who may not have coping skills. I wonder and hope and pray that my boys grow up happy, secure, comfortable. This boy, my Jackson, he is the first human being that I immediately and completely adored from the moment we met with absolute unconditional love. I hope he always feels that.